New “Waiting and Working” .pdf for downloading

Okay, CSL, I have read your articles about the Bad Teaching that we have heard about marriage, and I have read what you had to say about good teaching, and I even agree with you. I’ve even spoken to my wife about how I think that we don’t have a good or happy marriage at this time? So now what? What am I supposed to do?

Again, I’m not a marriage counselor, but since when has that stopped me before? You are either thinking about doing your version of The Shot Across the Bow, or you are waiting for some kind of response to it, and don’t know where to go from here. In the past, I have written about what I call The Interim, which is that period that you are now it. I have just uploaded a new .pdf for helping refused spouses with the things that they can do to help themselves as they wait to decide, and some of the things to consider as you think about what you want your marriage to be.

If you are in The Interim, if you don’t know what you should be doing, this .pdf is for you. It is available for downloading on my Free Downloads page, listed in the side bar.

CSL

Marriage/Divorce: Restoring Balance, part 3

(This is the third of a four-part series; here are the links to part 1, part 2 & part 4.)

In this series of posts, I am addressing questions from a reader who asked if it were possible to quantify the amount of sexual refusal needed to justify labeling it as a violation of the marital covenant and therefore a just reason for divorce.

My first post stated that I accept as a given that there are four valid reasons for divorce, and not just the one, adultery, as most Christians believe. My last post pointed out that (in OT times and up to the time of Christ) refusal was stated by Jewish leaders as a reason for divorce, and I presented the view that refusal is a deliberate violation of the marriage vow of fidelity to your spouse.

Twain on Relationships, part 3

Here are the links to Part One, Part Two, and Part Four.

In re-reading Mark Twain’s Diary of Adam and Eve, I was quite surprised to discover, in addition to more proof that Twain is the wonderful humorist that we all know him to be, but to also find that he had keen insight into the human heart. All too often, people can be funny but at the expense of others. In my mind, empathy for one’s subjects is what separates a true humorist from run-of-the-mill hacks.

When creating his characters for the Diaries, Twain decided to portray Adam as an aloof “guy”, happy to be left alone in the Garden, but willing to put up with the foolishness of the other “creature”; you know, live and let live. Yes, he feels put upon by many of her ways, but she is living in the Garden, too, so, well, there you are.

Sex And Resentment

 

As we all know, there are three types of people: optimists, pessimists and curmudgeons. Optimists see the glass as half full while pessimists see the glass as half empty; curmudgeons want to know who drank half their milk, and are pretty sure that whoever it was, they spit in the half that was left.

Give a curmudgeon a scenario, and he can tell you six ways to Sunday how things can go wrong. Which brings me to a category of statement that I’ve been coming across recently.

“If You Loved Me/Accept Me”

(In this post, I use abbreviations for common terms; see sidebar.)

 

In Bad Teaching: “As Christ Loved The Church”, I wrote about how the Church has screwed up Paul’s teaching on LYWLCLTC™, and I think I demonstrated that what passes for marital advice today based Eph. 5:25-31 is just so much codswallop.

Yes, husbands are enjoined to love their wives “as Christ loved the Church,” but this biblical statement has been heated in the fervid minds of teachers and shaped into a cudgel with which to browbeat husbands into a meek submission to wife and children in the name of Christ. Husbands are enjoined to be more Christian than Christ ever was.

And recently, I have come across a couple of statements by husbands who tell of this same teaching appearing in yet another guise in their lives.

Curing vs. Healing

As a niche blogger addressing sexless marriages, most of my writing has been about bad situations that husbands (and denied wives) find themselves in. And as someone who suffers from that very male affliction, I-Can-Fix-This-itis, many of my posts not only address the problems, but give advice and solutions on how to work to address and change these situations. I’m the type of person that believes it doesn’t matter how much you want to talk about The Nail, removing the nail will solve the problem of headaches.

I do, however, understand that fixing is not the same as restoring, that curing is not the same thing as healing. They just aren’t the same.

“I’m TAG-ged, But You’re Out!”

(Just a warning: lots of links. I mean, LOTS of links.)

I know that football is supposedly America’s favorite sport but I love to watch baseball. Baseball fans know that when a baserunner is tagged, he is out. But it hit me the other day that for many who find themselves in sexless marriages, it happens that when one spouse is TAG-ged, it is the other one who is out. As in, “out of luck.”

In my reading, whether it be other blogs or other forums, or even comments in response here on my blog, I see situations in which spouses are suffering in their marriage because of the attitudes, behaviors, and choices of their spouses. This goes both ways, with both husbands and wives being recipients of being TAG-ged.

TAG-ged?!? “CSL, have you been hitting the BBQ sauce again?” No. That just my acronym for a common marital affliction. In my readings, it seems that there are three common problems one spouse may bring into the marriage and it ends up wreaking havoc in the relationship.

“Forsaking. . . Thee”?

Just an odd thought: At what point in a marriage does it become acceptable for one spouse to rewrite the wedding vow from

I take you to be my lawful wedded wife/husband …, and forsaking all others keep myself only unto you,

into

… forsaking all others AND you, keep myself for me alone.

 

Are You Married to a Sex Skeptic?

Many years ago, I made the following observation: Sermonizing is the sin of the deadly earnest, no matter what theological colors you may be wearing. As I have aged, all that I’ve observed of the world around me convinces me that I was wonderfully prescient back then.

For example, if your theology is Global Warming, then you come at the debate with the fervor of an Al Gore, demanding that anyone who disagrees with you be locked up or sent to re-education camps. And if your theology is abortion, then “By Billy Bedamned Hangtree, keep your laws off my body! Sorry, Kiddo, it sucks to be you ‘cause Mama wants to shake her groove thang!”

What is ‘Better’, Anyway?

[This is the first of a two-part series; the second part can be found here.]

As I said in my last post, I’m finding a goodly number of tweets from other marriage/sexuality bloggers showing up on my Twitter feed with links to their articles or archives. Recently, one link led me to an old post from Chris Taylor/The Forgiven Wife that I felt needed to be brought to the attention of refused husbands who read this blog.

For those of you not familiar with the Forgiven Wife blog, it is written by a wife who admits to being a gatekeeper and refuser in the past, but has been on a journey of marital reconciliation and restoration for some years now. Her blog is a ministry to wives who are wanting to make this same journey. She does write for women, and freely admits that her posts aren’t for husbands.

However, the old post that came across my Twitter feed is one that I think husbands should read and think about.