Okay, CSL, I have read your articles about the Bad Teaching that we have heard about marriage, and I have read what you had to say about good teaching, and I even agree with you. I’ve even spoken to my wife about how I think that we don’t have a good or happy marriage at this time? So now what? What am I supposed to do?
Again, I’m not a marriage counselor, but since when has that stopped me before? You are either thinking about doing your version of The Shot Across the Bow, or you are waiting for some kind of response to it, and don’t know where to go from here. In the past, I have written about what I call The Interim, which is that period that you are now it. I have just uploaded a new .pdf for helping refused spouses with the things that they can do to help themselves as they wait to decide, and some of the things to consider as you think about what you want your marriage to be.
If you are in The Interim, if you don’t know what you should be doing, this .pdf is for you. It is available for downloading on my Free Downloads page, listed in the side bar.
Earlier this month, I wrote a post entitled Truly Miserable?, in which I basically told some readers that they aren’t ready to follow my blog; after all, I said, it’s only when you are truly miserable in your marriage, when you recognize that you can’t take anymore, that you decide to NOT take anymore. Until then, you will take it. Readers of my blog know that this is no new revelation. After all, I’ve even created my own abbreviation to describe this, and wrote a post about it: IYADWYAD, YAGWYAG™.
A husband made a comment to that post saying that in 25 years of marriage, talking to his wife about their problems didn’t work because she always attacked him, turning his words back on him in anger. With tongue only half in cheek did I respond “If talking doesn’t work, try walking.” And then I promised him that I would write a post about Therapeutic Distancing.
This is that post. Continue reading
In my last Bad Teaching post, I wrote about the abuse of Eph. 5:25, in particular, the use of the phrase, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ love the church” as a cudgel to pound on husbands. In that post, I took issue with pharisaical teaching that laid heavy burdens on the shoulders of husbands, but didn’t lift one finger to help them.
As I said in that post, husbands are told that if they love their wives as Christ loved the Church, then all will be well, that their marriages will suddenly become Heaven on earth. When pressed to define what that means, the most common teaching is some variation of Servant Leadership. After all, Jesus, for the sake of the Church, became a servant and submitted to death on the Cross, and husbands should be willing to become servants to their wives and live sacrificially for them. (If you have read any of my posts, you probably know what I think of that.) Continue reading
(This is the second of a six-part series; here are the links to part 1, part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6. As well, after some feedback, I did a follow-up post to this, entitled The Shot Across The Bow, Reloaded, which has more information.)
(For the purpose of pronoun simplicity, I am writing the posts in this series to refused husbands. Wives, if you are the one who desires more sexual intimacy, please keep reading, because I believe that pretty much everything I am going to say will apply to your situation, as well.)
In my last post, I finished by saying that I would start discussing The Talk™, the sit-down, face-to-face, cards-on-the-table discussion in which the spouse who is dissatisfied with the intimacy in the marriage lays it all out.
The first question to answer is if The Talk™ is needed or not. In approaching The Talk™, history and circumstances come into play. If your marriage is only a few years old, and much of the ‘blame’ can be attributed to a new-born or two, and if the wife is good-hearted and generous, then The Talk™ could be nothing more than a “Hon, we need to look at our marriage and see where we can improve.” If, however, refusal is deeply entrenched, then The Talk™ may be the only way out of it. Continue reading
(This is the second of a five-part series; here are the links to part 1, part 3, part 4, and part 5.)
So, there we were, in 2010. A Good Christian Couple (GCM™ and GCW™), not unhappy. But not happy, at all.
Due to arthritis, sleeping downstairs, in a recliner. Because of her responses to harmless banter, I “knew” that she didn’t really like sex, and basically put up with it. So I stuffed down my wants to just once a month, so as not to “inflict myself upon her any further” (a line from Cat Ballou – I speak fluent Cinema.) December of 2010, I didn’t even bother, so we officially arrived at Sexless Marriage status – less than once a month. Continue reading