Just an odd thought: At what point in a marriage does it become acceptable for one spouse to rewrite the wedding vow from
I take you to be my lawful wedded wife/husband …, and forsaking all others keep myself only unto you,
… forsaking all others AND you, keep myself for me alone.
Many years ago, I made the following observation: Sermonizing is the sin of the deadly earnest, no matter what theological colors you may be wearing. As I have aged, all that I’ve observed of the world around me convinces me that I was wonderfully prescient back then.
For example, if your theology is Global Warming, then you come at the debate with the fervor of an Al Gore, demanding that anyone who disagrees with you be locked up or sent to re-education camps. And if your theology is abortion, then “By Billy Bedamned Hangtree, keep your laws off my body! Sorry, Kiddo, it sucks to be you ‘cause Mama wants to shake her groove thang!” Continue reading
Earlier this month, Sheila Wray Gregoire wrote an excellent article directed toward wives whose husbands are gatekeepers/refusers. Guess what? The eight steps that Gregoire gives to these refused wives who write to her is basically the same thing I’ve been writing for you refused husbands. So today, without further ado, I am giving my readers an assignment: go and read Gregoire’s Do I Have To Live With A Sexless Marriage? (it’ll open in a separate window), and then come back here.
In my last Bad Teaching post, I wrote about the abuse of Eph. 5:25, in particular, the use of the phrase, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ love the church” as a cudgel to pound on husbands. In that post, I took issue with pharisaical teaching that laid heavy burdens on the shoulders of husbands, but didn’t lift one finger to help them.
As I said in that post, husbands are told that if they love their wives as Christ loved the Church, then all will be well, that their marriages will suddenly become Heaven on earth. When pressed to define what that means, the most common teaching is some variation of Servant Leadership. After all, Jesus, for the sake of the Church, became a servant and submitted to death on the Cross, and husbands should be willing to become servants to their wives and live sacrificially for them. (If you have read any of my posts, you probably know what I think of that.) Continue reading
This is the fourth in a series of posts in which Chris Taylor (of Forgiven Wife) and I dialogue about ideas and issues brought up in her post, A Wife’s Heart. (Here are the links to part 1, part 2, part 3 part 5, part 6, part 7 and part 8.) Chris and I have chosen colors to help with reading clarity in trying to incorporate our comments into her original text; my comments are in blue and Chris’s in purple.
In this, the fourth chapter of our discussion, Chris and I start discussing her recommendations for helping a wife in the process of healing her heart. In her article, Chris presented eight “action steps” for husbands who want to work on their marriages. In today’s colloquy, we discuss the first four. (Chris had them highlighted with bold text.) Continue reading
I think that we can all agree that Marriage, as an institution, is in a pretty sorry state, these days. With the number of shack-ups on the rise (ooh, did he say “shack-up”?), with the anti-God push to change the make-up and definition of marriage, and with the unintentional assistance of the Church, marriage is pretty much circling the bowl, in our modern society.
“Assistance of the Church“, you say? Yes, I do say. I’ve made the point before that the Church, wanting to protect and establish the foundation of marriage, has committed the same error as the Pharisees. The Pharisees, with their additions and traditions, added to the Law of God in order to keep the people from transgressing the actual Law, and it was hoped that these additions would keep the people “holy.” We’ve done the same thing by adding to our teachings about marriage. We want to keep it holy, we want people to live up to their roles in marriage, and so we add to the Word, in our explications and expandings, and create burdens that God did not intend. Continue reading
Back in April, I wrote a post which contained a piece that is known as The Shot Across The Bow. Written by a husband who was explaining how he addressed the sexual refusal situation that had developed in his marriage, I presented it as an example, a model, for husbands to use in confronting the gatekeeping/refusal issue in their marriage.
My good internet friend and fellow blogger, Chris Taylor, of Forgiven Wife, told me that she has always had a negative reaction to the piece, and in the course of our colloquy, she explained why it affected her so. In yesterday’s post, she went into painful examination of her reasoning, and her reasoning was more than reasonable, and is the reason for this post. (Doncha just love English?)
I need to re-address Job29Man’s Shot Across The Bow, (naturally, with my customary tact and equanimity), so here goes. If you are a husband in a sexless marriage and are thinking of using something akin to Job’s Shot, then be sure to…. Continue reading
This is the third post in a series in which Chris Taylor, of Forgiven Wife, and I dialogue about ideas and issues brought up in her post, A Wife’s Heart. (Here are the links to part 1, part 2, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 and part 8.) Chris and I have chosen colors to help with reading clarity in trying to incorporate our comments into her original text; my comments are in blue and Chris’s in purple.
At the end of our last discussion, I said something that gave Chris this vibe. We shall see. Mwahahahaha!
Healing a Hurting Heart
I didn’t know how to open up sexually when I felt like my husband didn’t love me. My heart needed to be healed before I could even hear what he was expressing about his desire for the intimacy that came only through sex.
As I’ve read CSL’s series, I’ve thought how reasonable it all sounds: the talk, the shot across the bow, the end of normal life, withdrawing romance, withdrawing affection, sleeping in separate bedrooms, removing the wedding ring, etc.
Those are all logical suggestions. When the problem is that your wife needs to change her thinking or is generally just too overwhelmed by life, they may work very well.
Here’s the thing: a hurting heart will not be healed by logic.
Not a single one of these suggestions would have touched my heartache. In fact, some of them might well have compounded the hurt I was already feeling.
This is the first of a series of posts in which Chris Taylor (of Forgiven Wife) and I dialogue about ideas and issues brought up in her post, A Wife’s Heart. (Here are the links to part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 and part 8.) Chris and i have chosen colors to help with reading clarity in trying to incorporate our comments into her original text; my comments are in blue and Chris’s in purple. In this section, Chris presented the basic (classic?) difference in how she and her husband communicate:
The Heart of My Refusal
My heart issues began with some baggage I brought into my marriage. The heart of my refusal, however, lay in relational hurt.
I am married to a good man—one whose love for me and commitment to our marriage has modeled Christ for me in a way nothing else has. The poor guy just didn’t know what to do with a wife who lived everything through her emotions—and he made a lot of mistakes.
My biggest hurt was the lack of emotional connection in our marriage. (I’ve written about it here.) The only feeling he ever communicated to me was, “I’m horny.” When I tried to share my own emotions with him, his usual response was either “Get to the point,” or “I don’t need to know that. Just tell me what I asked.”
Blue? “Sprucing up, CSL?” Today, my words are in blue. Read on, for an explanation.
In May, I asked a couple of my internet friends/fellow bloggers/WordPress mentors what they thought of me writing a post on the oft-heard “All you think about is sex.” One, Chris Taylor of Forgiven Wife, expressed unease with the concept, and so, while I decided to push on with the idea, I tried to take her concerns into account. Since that post, Chris and I have discussed it a bit further, and I asked her if she would like to write a guest post giving her take on the matter, from her perspective.
Of course, as we are both loquacious and given to gnawing on ideas like a beagle on a bone, her post has triggered further discussions and so I suggested that we conduct a brief colloquy on her post. Here is her original guest post: Continue reading