New “Divorce and Remarriage” .pdf available for download

Okay, I’ve finally gone and done it. I have finally complete the task of gathering together my blog posts dealing with divorce and remarriage, editing them and creating a downloable .pdf for my readers. This is the biggie, the one that touches the third rail of marriage teaching, Divorce and Remarriage. As I put it in the introduction, it is the Big Mammoo, the heaviest of the heavies.

I do believe that God intended marriage for our benefit and our blessing, but as Wife once put it, “A marriage is only as strong as the people in it.” This .pdf collects several series that I have written over the years into one document for you. To access it, go to my Free Download page (the link is in the header, above, and in the sidebar to the right.)

As always, my prayer is that this is a help and a blessing to you.

CSL

New “Waiting and Working” .pdf for downloading

Okay, CSL, I have read your articles about the Bad Teaching that we have heard about marriage, and I have read what you had to say about good teaching, and I even agree with you. I’ve even spoken to my wife about how I think that we don’t have a good or happy marriage at this time? So now what? What am I supposed to do?

Again, I’m not a marriage counselor, but since when has that stopped me before? You are either thinking about doing your version of The Shot Across the Bow, or you are waiting for some kind of response to it, and don’t know where to go from here. In the past, I have written about what I call The Interim, which is that period that you are now it. I have just uploaded a new .pdf for helping refused spouses with the things that they can do to help themselves as they wait to decide, and some of the things to consider as you think about what you want your marriage to be.

If you are in The Interim, if you don’t know what you should be doing, this .pdf is for you. It is available for downloading on my Free Downloads page, listed in the side bar.

CSL

“Forsaking. . . Thee”?

Just an odd thought: At what point in a marriage does it become acceptable for one spouse to rewrite the wedding vow from

I take you to be my lawful wedded wife/husband …, and forsaking all others keep myself only unto you,

into

… forsaking all others AND you, keep myself for me alone.

 

Are You Married to a Sex Skeptic?

Many years ago, I made the following observation: Sermonizing is the sin of the deadly earnest, no matter what theological colors you may be wearing. As I have aged, all that I’ve observed of the world around me convinces me that I was wonderfully prescient back then.

For example, if your theology is Global Warming, then you come at the debate with the fervor of an Al Gore, demanding that anyone who disagrees with you be locked up or sent to re-education camps. And if your theology is abortion, then “By Billy Bedamned Hangtree, keep your laws off my body! Sorry, Kiddo, it sucks to be you ‘cause Mama wants to shake her groove thang!”

Refused? Read This Woman’s Advice!

Earlier this month, Sheila Wray Gregoire wrote an excellent article directed toward wives whose husbands are gatekeepers/refusers. Guess what? The eight steps that Gregoire gives to these refused wives who write to her is basically the same thing I’ve been writing for you refused husbands. So today, without further ado, I am giving my readers an assignment: go and read Gregoire’s Do I Have To Live With A Sexless Marriage? (it’ll open in a separate window), and then come back here.

Bad Teaching: “Like Christ Loved The Church”, pt. 2

In my last Bad Teaching post, I wrote about the abuse of Eph. 5:25, in particular, the use of the phrase, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ love the church” as a cudgel to pound on husbands. In that post, I took issue with pharisaical teaching that laid heavy burdens on the shoulders of husbands, but didn’t lift one finger to help them.

As I said in that post, husbands are told that if they love their wives as Christ loved the Church, then all will be well, that their marriages will suddenly become Heaven on earth. When pressed to define what that means, the most common teaching is some variation of Servant Leadership. After all, Jesus, for the sake of the Church, became a servant and submitted to death on the Cross, and husbands should be willing to become servants to their wives and live sacrificially for them. (If you have read any of my posts, you probably know what I think of that.)

“A Wife’s Heart”: Colloquy #4

This is the fourth in a series of posts in which Chris Taylor (of Forgiven Wife) and I dialogue about ideas and issues brought up in her post, A Wife’s Heart. (Here are the links to part 1, part 2, part 3 part 5, part 6, part 7 and part 8.) Chris and I have chosen colors to help with reading clarity in trying to incorporate our comments into her original text; my comments are in blue and Chris’s in purple.

In this, the fourth chapter of our discussion, Chris and I start discussing her recommendations for helping a wife in the process of healing her heart. In her article, Chris presented eight “action steps” for husbands who want to work on their marriages. In today’s colloquy, we discuss the first four. (Chris had them highlighted with bold text.)

Bad Teaching: “As Christ Loved The Church”

I think that we can all agree that Marriage, as an institution, is in a pretty sorry state, these days. With the number of shack-ups on the rise (ooh, did he say “shack-up”?), with the anti-God push to change the make-up and definition of marriage, and with the unintentional assistance of the Church, marriage is pretty much circling the bowl, in our modern society.

“Assistance of the Church“, you say? Yes, I do say. I’ve made the point before that the Church, wanting to protect and establish the foundation of marriage, has committed the same error as the Pharisees. The Pharisees, with their additions and traditions, added to the Law of God in order to keep the people from transgressing the actual Law, and it was hoped that these additions would keep the people “holy.” We’ve done the same thing by adding to our teachings about marriage. We want to keep it holy, we want people to live up to their roles in marriage, and so we add to the Word, in our explications and expandings, and create burdens that God did not intend.

“The Shot Across The Bow” Reloaded

Back in April, I wrote a post which contained a piece that is known as The Shot Across The Bow. Written by a husband who was explaining how he addressed the sexual refusal situation that had developed in his marriage, I presented it as an example, a model, for husbands to use in confronting the gatekeeping/refusal issue in their marriage.

My good internet friend and fellow blogger, Chris Taylor, of Forgiven Wife, told me that she has always had a negative reaction to the piece, and in the course of our colloquy, she explained why it affected her so. In yesterday’s post, she went into painful examination of her reasoning, and her reasoning was more than reasonable, and is the reason for this post. (Doncha just love English?)

I need to re-address Job29Man’s Shot Across The Bow, (naturally, with my customary tact and equanimity), so here goes. If you are a husband in a sexless marriage and are thinking of using something akin to Job’s Shot, then be sure to….

A Wife’s Heart: Colloquy #3

This is the third post in a series in which Chris Taylor, of Forgiven Wife, and I dialogue about ideas and issues brought up in her post, A Wife’s Heart. (Here are the links to part 1, part 2, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7 and part 8.) Chris and I have chosen colors to help with reading clarity in trying to incorporate our comments into her original text; my comments are in blue and Chris’s in purple.

At the end of our last discussion, I said something that gave Chris this vibe. We shall see. Mwahahahaha!

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Healing a Hurting Heart

I didn’t know how to open up sexually when I felt like my husband didn’t love me. My heart needed to be healed before I could even hear what he was expressing about his desire for the intimacy that came only through sex.

As I’ve read CSL’s series, I’ve thought how reasonable it all sounds: the talk, the shot across the bow, the end of normal life, withdrawing romance, withdrawing affection, sleeping in separate bedrooms, removing the wedding ring, etc.

Those are all logical suggestions. When the problem is that your wife needs to change her thinking or is generally just too overwhelmed by life, they may work very well.

Here’s the thing: a hurting heart will not be healed by logic.

Not a single one of these suggestions would have touched my heartache. In fact, some of them might well have compounded the hurt I was already feeling.