Tag Archives: Marriage

Smack Dab In The Muddle, pt. 2

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In my last post, I wrote about the state that many marriages find themselves in, that of the Indifferent Muddle. In this condition, husband and wife plod through their married life with a growing indifference in how they live in their marriages, since the marriage is carried on by rote. Oh, if asked, each will say, “I love my husband/wife!”, but maybe, if pressed about desire and attraction for their spouse, they will agree with the old Amish saying, “Cooking lasts.” Passion, however? E-e-eh, not so much.

This might go on for years, but a time may come when a husband or wife lifts a head and looks around. Taking stock of what the marriage has become, s/he realizes that the marriage has drifted into the murky fog that is the Indifferent Muddle. So, what to do?

Without adding to the multitudes of “5 Ways to Perk Up Your Marriage” genre, I believe that there are a few things that need to be done in attempting to leave the Muddle.

“Lift Up Your Eyes”

The fourth chapter of John’s gospel records an odd exchange between Jesus and His disciples. The elephant in the room is that when the disciples returned from the nearby village, they found Jesus, their rabbi, talking to a woman. A foreign woman! No self-respecting, Jewish rabbi would be caught dead doing such a thing!

Instead, they ignore the thing that is on everyone’s mind, and open with, “Let’s eat.” But Jesus doesn’t let them off the hook; instead, He immediately goes THERE – “The old saying is ‘four months to harvest’, but look around you,” He says, “the field is already ripe for harvesting!” Jesus brushes aside the disciples’ how-‘bout-dem-Bears attempt at diversion and addresses the bigger need, the fact that people need saving.

I’m going to tell you the same thing: Lift up your eyes to your marriage; look beyond this week’s appointment calendar, the new sales campaign at work, or coming up with a savings schedule for Junior’s college fund. Those are all well and good, but if you are in the middle of a meh marriage, you need to take stock of your situation.

And do it NOW. Note in John 4, Jesus mentions how workers would say, “four months from now”; instead of kicking the can down the road, Jesus is saying that the important issue is at hand, not something that can be corrected when time permits. So, “lift up your eyes”, TODAY.

“Do What You Did At First”

The church was doing a great job. The members of the church were known for their good works throughout the community, and unlike many modern churches which compromise truth for “relevance”, the teaching in this church was biblically sound, upholding the gospel message of salvation through Jesus Christ alone. There was no compromise in this congregation.

And yet, something was off. Most pastors would have given their right arms for the success that that church had achieved, but at the core of this church, something was missing. This something was so important that Jesus had John the Revelator send them a personal message. After noting their praise-worthy accomplishments as a church, He says to them:

But I have this against you: You have abandoned your first love. (Rev. 2.4)

“Ephesus, you’re doing great work, But remember Me? I’m why you even have church.” Ephesus had a zeal for truth, had a zeal for people, had a zeal for their mission. But in all this zeal, they forgot one thing. The main thing, as it turned out. Like Mary and Joseph, they left without Jesus! The fact that religious organizations keep going long after God has done an Ichabod on them (Ezek. 10:18) doesn’t surprise us. But we should also realize that marriages can continue long after love has departed.

But here’s the good news: this love can be restored. Jesus Himself, in speaking to the Ephesian church, gives the remedy:

… remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first;  (Rev. 2.5)

While it may seem trite, John’s message was a simple one: remember what you did in the beginning, when you truly loved the Lord? Go back and start doing those things again.

DO—Some of the biggest words in the English language are extremely small, and in Rev. 2:5, the two-letter word do is extremely important. Jesus’ message to Ephesus wasn’t to try to feel like you’re in love again, but to DO the things that you did before when you were in love.

Twelve years ago, when Wife and I felt the need to find a new church, we were confronted by a word that we had never before heard applied to the Christian faith: Intentionality. “Well, of course, we’re intentional,” we reasoned, “we received Christ and lived like Christians should, reading the Bible, praying, going to church.” You know, the whole Christian bit.

But this church challenged us with a new thought, that of being intentional about our Christian growth and maturity. After all, the pastor reasoned, if you truly want something, you plan for it, whether it is saving for a vacation or taking classes to improve your job skills, or even exercising to lose weight or get fit. “You don’t just wait for these things to happen,” he told us, “you figure out what you need do to achieve your goal, create a plan, and start working your plan.”

He applied this truism to our faith, our Christian lives. If we know that there are certain activities that will help us grow, spiritually, make plans to engage in those activities to be intentional in drawing nearer to God.

Well, what if our goal is a good marriage, a caring, generous relationship with our spouses? Shouldn’t we be intentional in that area, as well? In His message to the Ephesian church, Jesus seemed to be saying that they should be intentional in returning to their first love; maybe we should, too.

The Way Out of the Muddle?

Story time – There’s an old story about a man and wife driving in their car, back in the day of the bench front seats. At a stop light, the woman looks at the car ahead of them and notices, through the rear window, that the girl is snuggled up to the guy, her head on his shoulder and his arm around her. She says to her husband, “Look at that! That used to be us 30 years ago!” The man looked at the steering wheel in his hands and then said to his wife, “I haven’t moved.”

Getting into the Indifferent Muddle is easy–all you have to do is drift. Getting out sounds simple, even trite:

Remember what you were like
Purpose to return to that love
Be intentional in doing the things that build that love.

Simple, yes. But easy? No. You can’t drift out of the Muddle, you have to be intentional.

CSL

Disclaimer: I am not a counselor, doctor, or pastor. For that matter, Wife says I don’t play well with others. My advice and comments come from my concern for hurting Christian husbands and wives. Someone once said to me, “Church shouldn’t hurt”, and I believe the same thing goes for marriage. I’m going to call ‘em as I see ‘em, but please, don’t take my word as gospel. Yes, read what I say, pray about what I say, but do your own “due diligence.”

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Smack Dab In The Muddle, pt. 1

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Many of the authors and bloggers I read make it a point to emphasize generosity and good-will. Two of my favorite bloggers are Paul and Lori Byerly, authors the Generous Husband and Generous Wife blogs (I read them every morning, without fail.) Another example would be Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love & Respect, who peppers his writings with statements on how most spouses are not evil jerks and witches, but truly do have good-will for their mates (a statement with which I agree, by the way). Continue reading

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Point to Ponder…

Recently, I came across a statement by a man who is contemplating divorce due to his sexless marriage, and just the wording made me want to put this out as a warning.

Love is a perishable commodity.

There are so many ways I could go with this, such as taking the opposite tack, that love, if it is true love, is eternal, or that God’s love is unconditional. Yup, all that.

But we need to realize that love is not something to presume upon. If we abuse love, it may very well wither and die. Hence the well-known Walk-away Wife and Walk-away Husband syndromes.

But here’s the catch: yes, love may be perishable, but the fact is that we are the only ones who can kill it.

Jes’ sayin’.
CSL

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July 5, 2017 · 9:43 pm

Be The Voice

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There’s a way to handle a woman, said the wise old man.
Simply love her.
~ From Camelot.

Earlier this month, Julie Sibert, of Intimacy In Marriage did an excellent post for wives on Three Ways To Like Sex (When You Hate Your Body). It was an excellent post, and as I read it, this song from Camelot came drifting back to my mind. You know that I have a problem with the way that the today’s church has twisted Paul’s instructions for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Continue reading

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Marriage/Divorce: Restoring Balance, part 4

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(This is the fourth of a four-part series; here are the links to part 1, part 2 & part 3.)

Over the last three posts, I have been attempting to answer the question of how to quantify refusal. As a reader said, it takes only one act of adultery to break the marriage covenant, but surely one “Not tonight” does not constitute refusal, thus violating the marriage covenant.

Since Jesus addressed divorce in the cultural and historical context as a rabbi, I went back to rabbinic writings to find out how the rabbis of Jesus’ day addressed the topic of refusal, and I discovered several things:

  1. the rabbis believed sex to be a right and responsibility of marriage;
  2. the rabbis even went so far as to list the amount of sex a wife would be entitled to;
  3. The rabbis viewed sexual neglect as a violation of the marriage covenant deserving of non-support (after one month) and divorce (after one year.)

And what was incredible to me was that… Continue reading

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Marriage/Divorce: Restoring Balance, part 2

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(This is the second of a four-part series; here are the links to part1, part 3, & part 4.)

In my last post, I started addressing a question or two put to me by a reader asking if it is kosher to consider sexual refusal as a valid reason for divorce, a la adultery. After all, he correctly noted, it only takes one act to commit adultery, whereas refusal is a long-term situation. At what point does it become “sexual immorality,” he asked. In fact, he asked that question again in response to my One Coin, Two Sides post:

There is a slight problem with the abandonment is equal to adultery argument in my opinion. The act of adultery along with sexual abuse (may as well throw that in for good measure) is sustained by a single act. A single act of adultery would be grounds for divorce and a single act of sexual abuse could mean a lengthy stay in jail. Now clearly a single act of refusal, even though it may be a break of the marriage covenant, wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow in most circles.
So when does refusal become abandonment and then possibly/maybe grounds for divorce,1-day, 2-weeks, 3-months, 9-months….?

Continue reading

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Marriage/Divorce: Restoring Balance, part 1

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(This is the first of a four-part series; here are the links to part 2, part 3 & part 4.)

And, I’m back. I guess. I think. Maybe. Anyway, here I am today.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I follow quite a few marriage bloggers and writers on Twitter, and recently, divorce has been a trending topic among them, with an increase in the number of posts and tweets encouraging Christians to continue to hold on to their marriages for the Kingdom. I can understand that, by the way. Back in December, Michelle Weiner-Davis, of Divorce Busters,  sent out a tweet stating that January was Divorce Month, and recommended that New Year’s Resolutions for starting divorce proceedings be abandoned. Continue reading

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“It’s Y’ALL’S Sex Life”

Just a quick-hitter this week.

If you’ve read much of my blog, you will have come across the above title any number of times; it’s become one of my mantras. Just a few minutes ago, I read an article that came out last week from the Chicago Tribune, telling of a survey done by the Pew Research Center.

The take-away from the Pew study was supposed to be that shared chores was that the key to a happy marriage. The survey of 35,000 adults showed that 56% of the respondents said that “shared chores” were very important to a happy marriage. In fact, that was the headline of the Pew Center’s article. Continue reading

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Twain on Relationships, part 4

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Here are the links to Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

This is my last post on Mark Twain’s Diaries of Adam and Eve, and while Eve’s observation about how it is preferable to be alone rather than unwanted was an eye-opener (Diary post #3), I love the way that Twain developed his two characters, and gives insight into masculine and feminine psyches. Yes, your cuddly Curmudgeon is a throw-back, and for that I make no apologies, so if someone wants to take me to task for not being grounded in the 21st century — oh well, and shuckydarn. Continue reading

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Twain On Relationships, part 2

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Here are the links to Part 1, Part 3 and Part 4.

I’m writing about some of insights I observed as I re-read an old favorite, Mark Twain’s Diaries of Adam and Eve.This is just a short one, today, with seeds of a rant that I will hint at, but probably not develop at this time.

In my last post, there was a hint of a problem beginning to raise its head in Paradise. After Eve started naming and labelling everything around them, Adam says, “My life is not as happy as it was.” Continue reading

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