Tag Archives: Forgiven Wife

Addressing the Man-O-Sphere: The Last Word

readers respond

In my quick reaction post to questions about the Man-O-Sphere (MoS), I did not spare readers my feelings about the it (okay, I did. I kept it clean.) But I did promise that after I got that rant out of my system, I would address the MoS phenomenon and so, here goes.

First off, let me say that I understand the appeal of the MoS. To borrow terminology from Newtonian physics, it is an equal and opposite reaction to feminism in our society. However, an equal, opposite reaction is not necessarily a good thing. Everyone has seen images of the little device called a Newton’s Cradle, which has 5-6 balls suspended in a frame. When one or two are pulled away from the others on one side and allowed to drop back, the force is transferred through the stationary balls to the other side, and they, in turn, are knocked from their place, and so it goes, back and forth.

I see feminism as one side of the cradle and MoS as the other side. I get the reaction to feminism, but that doesn’t mean that an equal and opposite reaction is corrective. In fact, I believe that it is just as toxic as the feminism that it reacts to.

Trashing The Low-Hanging Fruit First

I’m assured by those with greater familiarity with the MoS that the Pick-Up Artists (PUA) and the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) troglodytes represent a small percentage of the MoS. Well, good. Fine. I’m pretty sure that the all men are rapists and all sex is rape advocates represent a small percentage of of feminism, as well, but that doesn’t stop them from being part of their larger whole, does it?

I’m going to assume that we can all agree that the activities and ideas that these sods promote are loathsome and repugnant. (If we can’t agree with that, then fare thee well; this page isn’t for you.)

Red Pill? Blue Pill?

Every movement, every faction that comes into being has its own lingo. In today’s uber-liberal mentality, what with its intersectionality, gender fluidity, and what-have-you, the term du jour is “woke”. As in “I used to be unaware of my cis privilege, but now I’m woke.

If you do any reading around the MoS, you quickly learn that the equivalent term is Blue Pill/Red Pill**. Using terminology taken from the movie The Matrix, the MoS says that men who are still compliant with the culture’s subjugation of men are asleep, taking the Blue Pill of acceptance. On the other hand, those taking the Red Pill are shocked into wakefulness and can see that society has modified the structures of gender roles for the benefit of women to the detriment of men, are given information to fight the System.

As I’ve stated above, I do believe that feminism has been an evil that has done great damage to society as a whole and to individuals by the countless millions. And no, I do not wish to debate this belief. After all, abortion, divorce rates, the current Church of the Castrati that passes for Christianity today, all speak of feminism’s havoc.

A Tale of Two Toxic Journeys

Three years ago, Chris Taylor of Forgiven Wife, published a post that rubbed some of the Femi-sphere the wrong way, and for some time, she was savaged by non-Christian retromingents who accused of her of being a rape-enabler, among other things. Given my cootish tendencies, you can guess that I did not take kindly to their game of Whack-The-Piñata, and played merry hob with their fun (not my most christian moment, I must admit.) However, I did use that moment as an opportunity to springboard into the section of the internet that found her post so objectionable. And let me tell you that it was a toxic brew of anti-Christian hatred, misandry, and paganistic license.

Over the past couple of years, after seeing the MoS referenced by a blogger I highly esteem, I decided to do some exploring and read around the MoS in order to see for myself what was out there. Just as I was sickened by the witchy/bitchy portion of the web that took umbrage with Chris’s christian stance on marriage and sex, I was sickened by the complete misogyny of the MoS.

I have been told that, “yes, CSL, the PUAs and the MGTOW are an aberration, that they are not true representatives of the MoS, but  there are also good Christian MoS sites.” I am going to have to let these people down easily, but I have not been impressed by the readings I have come across. I will say that I read posts by Christian men containing less-than-christian sentiments.

I had the same reaction to the MoS websites that I did to the feminist/queer/pagan websites. I came away from them nearly despairing at the hated, anger, and bile that make up the toxic melange of both worlds.

The Man-O-Sphere Is A Natural Reaction

…, right? Of course it is! In a comment to my earlier MoS post, Paul Byerly, of Generous Husband, noted the following about denizens of the MoS :

… some of the guys have legitimate complaints, while others were horrible husbands who are alone because their wife got tired of it. The second group joins in because it feels better than admitting they were wrong, and it’s easier to gripe about how horrible ALL WOMEN are than doing something to become the kind of man a good woman wants to be with.

While some of the men of the MoS are truly dirtbags (my stated opinion, not Paul’s), Paul B. notes that some of the MoS populace do have legitimate complaints, so naturally they give vent to their complaints.

But that’s the problem with the MoS; it’s a natural reaction, which, for Christians, makes it an ungodly reaction.

Just as women kvetch about being victimized by men, apparently so have the guys of MoS turned to belly-aching about being victims of women. It’s all so natural, so predictable. But here’s the thing—yes, it’s natural, but returning evil for evil and spite for spite is also corrosive and toxic. Paul Byerly said it best when he commented, The Manosphere is a classic example of two wrongs not making a right. The solution to a house fire is NOT to throw on gasoline.”

No Blue Pill, No Red Pill…

Until the early 20th century, the primary treatment for syphilis was mercury, in the form of calomel, ointments, steam baths, pills, and other concoctions. Side effects of mercury treatments could include tooth loss; mouth, throat, and skin ulcerations; neurological damage; and death.
~ “Contagion: Historical Views of Diseases and Epidemics”,

In my mind, taking the red pill of the Man-O-Sphere to counteract the ills of toxic feminism is just as toxic as taking mercury to kill syphilis.

And although I realize that I am being both as cheesy and trite as I can possibly be, I have to urge with all of my being that neither blue or red pills are of any consequence to the Christian man, whether he is single or married. The only that that should matter to him is the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The Christian man should be Christian in conduct and in response.

Nuff said,
CSL

** The Blue Pill/Red Pill meme is so ubiquitous, even outside of the MoS, that it has its own entry on Wikipedia.

Disclaimer: I am not a counselor, doctor, or pastor. For that matter, Wife says I don’t play well with others. My advice and comments come from my concern for hurting Christian husbands and wives. Someone once said to me, “Church shouldn’t hurt”, and I believe the same thing goes for marriage. I’m going to call ‘em as I see ‘em, but please, don’t take my word as gospel. Yes, read what I say, pray about what I say, but do your own “due diligence.”

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Marriage/Divorce: Restoring Balance, part 2

balance2

(This is the second of a four-part series; here are the links to part1, part 3, & part 4.)

In my last post, I started addressing a question or two put to me by a reader asking if it is kosher to consider sexual refusal as a valid reason for divorce, a la adultery. After all, he correctly noted, it only takes one act to commit adultery, whereas refusal is a long-term situation. At what point does it become “sexual immorality,” he asked. In fact, he asked that question again in response to my One Coin, Two Sides post:

There is a slight problem with the abandonment is equal to adultery argument in my opinion. The act of adultery along with sexual abuse (may as well throw that in for good measure) is sustained by a single act. A single act of adultery would be grounds for divorce and a single act of sexual abuse could mean a lengthy stay in jail. Now clearly a single act of refusal, even though it may be a break of the marriage covenant, wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow in most circles.
So when does refusal become abandonment and then possibly/maybe grounds for divorce,1-day, 2-weeks, 3-months, 9-months….?

Continue reading

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Curing vs. Healing, part 2

pills

In my post Curing vs. Healing, I discussed a fourth possible source for marital disconnect (separate from TAG), that of your own unintentional actions causing hurt and damage in the relationship. I made the recommendation that you read Chris Taylor’s (of Forgiven Wife) guest post, A Wife’s Heart, and our following discussion in order to learn how unintentional actions can cause rifts in a marriage.

That said, I want to offer a couple of caveats. Yes, if you discover that you are a source for the disconnect in your relationship, do make an effort to heal the rift. However, do not take on a burden that is not yours; own your actions, not her excuses. Continue reading

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Curing vs. Healing

pills

As a niche blogger addressing sexless marriages, most of my writing has been about bad situations that husbands (and denied wives) find themselves in. And as someone who suffers from that very male affliction, I-Can-Fix-This-itis, many of my posts not only address the problems, but give advice and solutions on how to work to address and change these situations. I’m the type of person that believes it doesn’t matter how much you want to talk about The Nail, removing the nail will solve the problem of headaches.

I do, however, understand that fixing is not the same as restoring, that curing is not the same thing as healing. They just aren’t the same. Continue reading

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“I’m TAG-ged, But You’re Out!”

tagged

(Just a warning: lots of links. I mean, LOTS of links.)

I know that football is supposedly America’s favorite sport but I love to watch baseball. Baseball fans know that when a baserunner is tagged, he is out. But it hit me the other day that for many who find themselves in sexless marriages, it happens that when one spouse is TAG-ged, it is the other one who is out. As in, “out of luck.”

In my reading, whether it be other blogs or other forums, or even comments in response here on my blog, I see situations in which spouses are suffering in their marriage because of the attitudes, behaviors, and choices of their spouses. This goes both ways, with both husbands and wives being recipients of being TAG-ged.

TAG-ged?!? “CSL, have you been hitting the BBQ sauce again?” No. That just my acronym for a common marital affliction. In my readings, it seems that there are three common problems one spouse may bring into the marriage and it ends up wreaking havoc in the relationship. Continue reading

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Are You Married to a Sex Skeptic?

skiptic

Many years ago, I made the following observation: Sermonizing is the sin of the deadly earnest, no matter what theological colors you may be wearing. As I have aged, all that I’ve observed of the world around me convinces me that I was wonderfully prescient back then.

For example, if your theology is Global Warming, then you come at the debate with the fervor of an Al Gore, demanding that anyone who disagrees with you be locked up or sent to re-education camps. And if your theology is abortion, then “By Billy Bedamned Hangtree, keep your laws off my body! Sorry, Kiddo, it sucks to be you ‘cause Mama wants to shake her groove thang!” Continue reading

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What Is Better, Anyway? pt. 2

better

In my last post, I commented on how refused husbands could relate to and apply the wisdom and knowledge that Chris Taylor, of Forgiven Wife, poured into her blogpost, “I Promise, I’ll Do Better.”

The first part of her post dealt with questions she recommended that a recovering refuser think about asking her husband in order to be intentional in rebuilding their marriage. She told how after discussions or fights about intimacy, she would say to her husband, “I promise, I’ll do better,” but not know what ‘Better’ looked like. I suggested that when refused spouses are given that amorphous promise, they start thinking about what ‘Better’ would actually look like. So, in this episode I want to present a couple of thoughts on her further suggestions about planning and communicating with your wife after your discussion.

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What is ‘Better’, Anyway?

better

As I said in my last post, I’m finding a goodly number of tweets from other marriage/sexuality bloggers showing up on my Twitter feed with links to their articles or archives. Recently, one link led me to an old post from Chris Taylor/The Forgiven Wife that I felt needed to be brought to the attention of refused husbands who read this blog.

For those of you not familiar with the Forgiven Wife blog, it is written by a wife who admits to being a gatekeeper and refuser in the past, but has been on a journey of marital reconciliation and restoration for some years now. Her blog is a ministry to wives who are wanting to make this same journey. She does write for women, and freely admits that her posts aren’t for husbands.

However, the old post that came across my Twitter feed is one that I think husbands should read and think about. Continue reading

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Lost Toys, Lost Joys

lost toy

Dropping another veil, here, folks. Here in the CSL household, resides a tribe of Anglophiles. We purely love British programs, etc. Our collection of Dickensian dramas is second to none. So you can imagine the joy with which Wife and I, as Downton Abbey fans, greeted the issuing of the show’s last season on DVD. Since we have Netflix, we are getting the DVDs and going through all the old seasons, to watch them as one whole story.

This week, in going back to the beginning, I was surprised by a scene that I remembered only after viewing it again. In the scene, Lord Grantham makes a comment about his oldest daughter, Lady Mary, who, just to spite her sister Edith, ignored the one man who cares for her in order to flirt with a man who showed interest in Edith. When her would-be suitor observes Mary’s conduct, he leaves, keenly feeling her slight. Mary only realizes what she has done after his departure and it is then that Lord Grantham comments about his daughter’s conduct:

“Mary can be such a child. She thinks that when she puts a toy down, it will still be there when she wants to play with it.”

Continue reading

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Therapeutic Distancing

audiojack

Earlier this month, I wrote a post entitled Truly Miserable?, in which I basically told some readers that they aren’t ready to follow my blog; after all, I said, it’s only when you are truly miserable in your marriage, when you recognize that you can’t take anymore, that you decide to NOT take anymore. Until then, you will take it. Readers of my blog know that this is no new revelation. After all, I’ve even created my own abbreviation to describe this, and wrote a post about it: IYADWYAD, YAGWYAG™.

A husband made a comment to that post saying that in 25 years of marriage, talking to his wife about their problems didn’t work because she always attacked him, turning his words back on him in anger. With tongue only half in cheek did I respond “If talking doesn’t work, try walking.” And then I promised him that I would write a post about Therapeutic Distancing.

This is that post. Continue reading

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