Tag Archives: Bad Teaching

The Church and Your Marriage. What Could Go Wrong?

readers respond

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve gone down the road of a personal rant, but a recent comment by a husband who feels somewhat abused by our feminized church culture has me turning to the dark side of the Curmudgeonly Force.

In the back and forth to my Reset #3 post, I responded to a reader’s comment by saying that a refused husband needs to take action in his marriage, and not let things coast along in a sexless marriage. I made the statement that the husband in a situation where the wife insists that he needs to move first should say “This is not a negotiation. Yes, it is my duty to meet your emotional need for connection, but by the same token it is your duty to meet my need for connection, as well. You have to be willing to step up.”

Part of his response to me is what is triggering this post. He wrote:

I agree that the man should take such action. However, I don’t think the church generally teaches such behavior on the part of the husband. Instead the teaching is that such action is tantamount to verbal abuse and sexual harassment, and certainly NOT loving. Consequently, the church leaders would not support the husband, but would most likely side against him with the wife. Do you agree this is typical of the church? How do we get this corrected in the church? How does a husband deal with a wife’s reluctance? [my emphasis]

Unfortunately, this reader is only right. Those of you who have been around awhile know that I can really get myself in a lather about the bad teachings of the Church concerning marriage. If you are a new reader, let me to direct you to some older articles that I have written on this topic (bookmark them for later reading, if you should be so inclined);

Bad Teaching: Soulmates
Bad Teaching: Unconditional Love
Bad Teaching: “As Christ Loved The Church
Bad Teaching: “Like Christ Loved The Church”, pt. 2
Bad Teaching: “Like Christ Loved The Church”, pt3
Bad Teaching: “Like Christ Loved The Church”, pt. 4
Bad Teaching: “Unconditional Love” Marries LYWACLTC
Love And Respect: A Two-Way Street
Bad Teaching: “What God Has Joined…”
Re-addressing “What God Hath Joined”

But as to the specific concern expressed by the reader, that the church would say that the advice I gave, that telling a wife that both spouses have duties to the other would be labelled as abuse and harassment, I have two responses:

First Response: You’re right. Quite possibly, they will. Today’s feminized church is more than capable of doing that very thing. (Before you get up my nose about “feminized church”, read my Women Rule posts, #one, #two, and #three,  where I demonstrate the reality of my claim.) As has been demonstrated from time immemorial, them that puts the dollars in the plate gets to call the tune. And since the Church today caters to the female trade, men do–and will continue to–get short shrift in most churches.

(Does that make me an Man-o-Sphere supporter? Not hardly, given my posts excoriating those folk. However, trying to slap a pejorative label on me doesn’t make anything I am saying less true.)

Second Response: So?

“So?” CSL, what to you mean, “So?”

Just that. To borrow from Jesus, “what is that to you? Follow me.” Yes, I understand that, mayhap, your local church will tsk-tsk you, but so what? I hope that this doesn’t give you the vapors, but let me put a flea in your ear: you are married to your wife, you aren’t married to your church!

Tell me, if you had a ‘friend’ who was always telling you how bad you are and that you need to do things that you know are not right, how long would you keep that ‘friend’? Now, I’m not talking about those friends who are true brothers, who are like “iron sharpening iron”; instead, I’m talking about a so-called friend who thinks that you’re an idiot and can’t do anything right if you aren’t doing what they tell you to do. That kind of ‘friend’ you can, and should, do without.

And I don’t think that it would hurt you one iota to let your church know that. In my reading, I’ve come across many tales of counselors and pastors who want to push off the concerns of the husband, simply because he is a husband. But if the problem in the marriage is two-sided, a one-sided solution just won’t cut it, and pastors and/or counselors need to understand that the concerns of husbands are just as valid as the concerns of wives. Again, you are married to your wife, not your pastor or counselor.

Three Questions

In looking at the paragraph that triggered this post, you will see that the reader asked me three question, and here are my answers:

1 – Do you agree this is typical of the church?
Why, yes. Yes I do. (See links above, to my Women Rule posts.)

2 – How do we get this corrected in the church?
By not playing their game. If dollars and butts in the pew are trump, be willing to take your trump cards (butt and money) elsewhere. (See recommendations below.)

3 – How does a husband deal with a wife’s reluctance? [Wives, this is for you, too.]
By getting Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage, and learn how to live in your own integrity. You are to be a man of God, not a doormat of God. It might be helpful for you to read my Go-To Marital Tools posts, as well, listed on this page.

“Follow Me”

“CSL, you aren’t telling us to go church-hopping or church-shopping, are you?!?”

I don’t think I am. But given the fact that our churches are somewhat less than saintly nowadays, I do advise that Christians be more loyal to God than to a building. I realize that I am capable of making incendiary statements, but when we have churches and church leaders fronting for either abortionists and perversion on one hand, or for a p*ssy-grabbing adulterer on the other, I don’t think that I am too far off the beam in being tempted to throw up my hands in disgust.

So how should loyalty to God rather than to churches play out? I’m going to answer that with a tip o’ the hat to my other blog, which deals with my studies in the Bible. In the Tanach’s paean of praise to Torah, the question of “How shall a young man keep his way pure?” is answered in one simple sentence: obeying God’s word.” (Psa. 119.9)

You read your Bible; you study your Bible; you start to live your Bible. And I don’t mean a cut-and-paste Bible, nossir! Many today like to do what Thomas Jefferson did, which was to cut up two Bibles and glue the parts he liked into a blank book. (By the way, the Jefferson Bible can be viewed online.) I’m sorry, but a Choose-Your-Own Scripture won’t cut it. You have to be open to conforming your life to Torah, God’s teaching. (As I point out on my other blog Torah does not mean Law, but teaching, specifically, God’s teaching.

And if the time comes that you do feel that your church isn’t going to help you do that, conform to God’s teaching rather than the world’s teaching, then that might just mean taking a hike. (Just so you know, I will probably be facing that decision within the next year or so, as the UMC is having a Special Conference to decide on whether homosexual behavior in inimical with Methodism.)

Guys, if this post speaks to you, bookmark it and come back to it. I’m not saying that you declare your independence today or tomorrow. As with everything, take a big chunk of time to pray, read your Bible, and earnestly seek God’s will. I don’t think that you can go wrong by reading my posts on Waiting, Watching, and Working, as you work on being the best You that God wants you to be.

Waiting, Watching, Working, pt. 1
Waiting, Watching, Working: pt. 2
Waiting, Watching, Working: pt. 3
Waiting, Watching, Working: pt. 4
Waiting, Watching, Working: pt. 5
Waiting, Watching, Working: pt. 6

Lastly, get David Murrow’s book Why Men Hate Going to Church, and check out his website, Church for Men. Again, this is not for the purpose of finding a place that strokes you fur the right way, but to find a place that will challenge you to be a man of God, not a piñata.

Be blessed,

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Filed under Christian Beliefs, CSL On The Bible, Marriage & Sexuality

“Lawless Christians?, part 3” [link]

There is a new post on my other blog, CSL On The Bible, should you be so inclined…

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Bad Teaching: Women Rule, Men Drool, part 3


bad teachingThis is the last of a three-part series; here are the links to part 1 and part 2.


In my first post in this series, I presented the possibility (probability?) of a wide-spread acceptance in the Christian church of the idea that women are more godly, holy and spiritual than men, and included quotes from others who said that they have bumped up against the idea. I posited that this assumption might be a reason for the disconnect between men and the Church, and presented findings from a Pew Research study showing that, of all the world’s religions, Christianity is the only one with a greater female membership.

My second post explored material that showed that the presumption of a female-superiority teaching is actually quite possible and that there is a very good likelihood that this teaching is at the root of much of the dysfunction that troubles today’s church. Continue reading


Filed under Culture, Marriage & Sexuality, Theology Stuff

Bad Teaching: Women Rule, Men Drool, part 2

bad teaching

This is the second of a three-part series: here are the links to part 1 and part 3.

In my last post I presented the idea that, contrary to the teachings of the Bible, today’s church had somehow gotten hold of the idea that women were superior to men and without sin. I admit that it is a novel idea to articulate, but since it seems that this is held as truth by more than a few Christians (however tacitly), this seems like a good time to bring the teaching out into the light of day and examine it.

I cited several writers who have suggested that they have come across the concept in their interactions but didn’t give any particulars or examples, other than to comment that they have observed evidence that it is held by some Christians. While it might be difficult to find a teacher or preacher who openly avows support for such a belief, I did cite a study by the Pew Research group that might demonstrate the results of such a teaching being promulgated. In that first post, I included the Pew Research chart that showed that in all branches of Christianity (save the Orthodox branch) women outnumber men as adherents. The chart further showed that every other major religion has more male adherents than women, leaving Christianity as… Continue reading


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Bad Teaching: Women Rule, Men Drool, part 1

bad teaching

This is the first of a three-part series: here are the links to part 2 and part 3.

We have a problem in the church. It appears that nearly one-half of the church is made up of carnal, fleshly-minded people whose only thoughts are with satisfying their appetites, and have no desire nor ability to truly seek after God. They hide behind a facade of Christianity but, in fact, are incapable of self-control and are unable to submit to the direction of the Holy Spirit and pursue spiritual goals.

I can only be speaking, of course, about husbands, for it is well-known that wives are more spiritual, more holy and more godly than any ordinary man could possibly be. I know, I know; in the past, I’ve said that there are two sinners in every marriage, but today, I repent of such drollery. I have seen the error of my ways. Continue reading


Filed under Culture, Marriage & Sexuality, Theology Stuff

“I’m TAG-ged, But You’re Out!”


(Just a warning: lots of links. I mean, LOTS of links.)

I know that football is supposedly America’s favorite sport but I love to watch baseball. Baseball fans know that when a baserunner is tagged, he is out. But it hit me the other day that for many who find themselves in sexless marriages, it happens that when one spouse is TAG-ged, it is the other one who is out. As in, “out of luck.”

In my reading, whether it be other blogs or other forums, or even comments in response here on my blog, I see situations in which spouses are suffering in their marriage because of the attitudes, behaviors, and choices of their spouses. This goes both ways, with both husbands and wives being recipients of being TAG-ged.

TAG-ged?!? “CSL, have you been hitting the BBQ sauce again?” No. That just my acronym for a common marital affliction. In my readings, it seems that there are three common problems one spouse may bring into the marriage and it ends up wreaking havoc in the relationship. Continue reading


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Bad Teaching: “What God Has Joined…”

bad teaching

(A month later, I did a follow-up to this post which can be read here.)

Okay, I’m thinking that this has the potential to get ugly, real quick. I’ve written a number of posts on Bad Teachings in the church, concerning marriage, and I want to address another one that I keep coming across.

It’s no secret that, for decades, the topic of divorce and remarriage has been one of the hot-button issues in the church, even longer than the same-sex debate. Hester Prine wore a scarlet letter for having a baby out of wedlock; for much of the 20th century, anyone who was divorced felt that they were wearing a scarlet “D”, for divorce, in Christian circles. Continue reading


Filed under Christian Beliefs, Marriage & Sexuality

Waiting, Watching, Working: pt. 3


In this Waiting/Working series, I’m trying to present suggestions on what refused husbands can be doing to work on themselves during a waiting period. This “waiting period” may extend from the time that he realizes he is miserable in his marriage and needs to get it right, all the way up to the time said wife decides to **** or get off the pot. 

In my last post, I wrote about the need for a refused husband to be in God’s Word in order to transform his mind, cleansing his mind of all the bad teaching that has created Fog in his life. In this post, I want to address the accompanying tool of Prayer. I don’t know if you have noticed this about what I try to do with this blog, but I am big on how-to’s. Continue reading

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Waiting, Watching, Working: pt. 2


In my first post in this series, I wrote about how it was suggested to me to address what refused husbands should be doing in their “Interim” period; you know, that period where they wake up and realize that something needs to be done to change their marriages, but they need to get to the place where they can do it. Or maybe they are in that place where they realize that, while they would like to do something, they are in no condition, mentally or spiritually to carry it out.

My first recommendation was to work on themselves, spiritually. From all I’ve read, and all I’m continuing to read, refusal is (to put it bluntly) emasculating, both in a spiritual sense and in a physical sense. My thinking is that a guy in a refusing marriage needs to learn what it means to  become a man again.

In saying this, I’m not going all Ah-nold Schwarzenegger on you; after all, I’m a librarian. How butch is that, huh? No, by “being a man again,” I mean learning (re-learning?) what the Bible says about manhood, proper service to God, family and church, and what the Bible has to say about how he should relate to his wife, in every aspect of his marriage. Continue reading


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Bad Teaching: “Unconditional Love” Marries LYWACLTC

bad teaching

I began this series of posts on bad teaching with a re-examination of the ubiquitous “God’s Unconditional Love” statement. Since that first post, I’ve been deconstruction the malpractice version of “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church”, demonstrating that much of it is a load of, erm, hooey. I’m pretty sure that there have been a few readers waiting for the other shoe to drop.

After all, when you juxtapose my posts on LYWACLTC with my post on God’s Unconditional Love, you just have to believe that I would eventually arrive at the point where these two bad teachings intersect, right? Well, that day is here, as I want to look at the mess that is … Continue reading


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