In my original Plucked Chicken post, I spoke about refused husbands operating in a fog. These good men are miserable in their marriages, but try to convince themselves and everyone else that their marriages are good, and would be great IF it weren’t for this one little, small, tiny, infinitesimal issue, that could stand a bit of tweaking. “What’s that, you ask? Am I happy? No, I’m miserable.”
Here’s how I know that many of these guys are operating in a fog: many are seeking ways to diminish their sex drives and libidos. I’ve read many introductory posts on marriage fora in which these refused men ask if there is something that they can do to lower their sex drives, or some food supplements that will reduce testosterone, so that they won’t be miserable anymore. I can even recall a few asking about chemical castration.
Guys, when you get to the point where you are considering any form of castration, your head is in a pea-soup fog!
Is This You?
You need to understand that different guys have different regulating clocks, but the libido you have, your sex drive, is you. It’s part of your make-up. Yes, there are things that can depress libido, but they aren’t things you want to try. Stress, worry, bad health practices, like diabetes and being overweight. Addictions to drugs and alcohol can help you to not want sex. But I wouldn’t recommend them to a Christian. No. Not really.
It is truly sad that these guys are so blinded by the lies that they are being told (“You’re an addict”, “All you think about is sex”) that they have actually resigned themselves to starvation, and are looking for ways to stifle their hunger. The normal person has but one question: “Are you out of your mind?!?” Okay, maybe two questions: “What is WRONG with you?”
The answer to the first is “Yes, they ARE out of their minds.” In essence, they have been driven to an insanity that says that God is a liar and has played a cruel joke on them. Which goes a long way to answering the second question. What is wrong with them is that these guys have believed a lie that says that a man’s sex drive is evil, that God, in giving men a sex drive, demonstrated that He is an incompetent and needed a woman at His side to tell Him how to make men.
One of my favorite shows on PBS was The Red Green Show, out of Canada. While it is no longer being made or shown on PBS, you can find clips of it on YouTube. For a great time, just sit down at your computer sometime, and give over an afternoon to watching it. I promise you, between Red, his nephew Harold and the other members of the Possum Lodge, you will laugh yourself silly.
The reason I’m mentioning this show is because of how they ended each program, fading out as the weekly meeting of the Possum Lodge gets started. The meeting always begins with the reciting of the Men’s Prayer.** They bow their heads and dejectedly recite:
I’m a man.
But I can change.
If I have to.
What’s Worse Than Emasculation?
The Red Green Show is a parody, making fun of stereotypes, and the men’s prayer bit perfectly demonstrates just how cowed and docile men are expected to become. After all, if a guy starts looking for ways to become less of a man, isn’t he cowed? Actually, given the posts I have seen by guys who ask for ways to lower their drives, I think it’s a sign of something worse.
I follow a lot of political discourse (which is not part of this blog), but if you’ll forgive the momentary intrusion, I think that there is a phrase that I can pull into this discussion. I have noticed that black conservatives and black Republicans can rely on those who disagree with their politics accusing them of being “self-loathing”, as if not agreeing with the liberal politics of the NAACP calls their ‘blackness’ into question.
I think it probably accurate to refer to guys who have accepted what their wives have said about their sexuality as self-emasculating.
Good News, Guys. You’re Normal!
Yes, there are wives who believe that their husbands want too much sex. Unless the guy is wanting sex 2x-3x a day, I’m going to call BS on those wives. What they are actually saying is that their husbands want sex more than they do and they are using this as a way of deflecting and trying to say that God made men wrong; that He only got it right on the second try, when He made woman.
After all, how do you explain an engaged woman writing for advice on how to teach her future husband self-control so he won’t want sex too much after the wedding? Or a wife who decides to limit sex with her husband because he’s not “as spiritual” as he should be and she needs to him get closer to God?
Here are the facts of the matter. Guys, your libido, your sex drive, is a part of your physical make-up; it’s how you are wired. There are guys whose drives are high and guys whose drives are low; we are all on a continuum, ranging from high to low to no drive. Much of our libido is defined by testosterone levels. Yes, it’s a fact that no one ever died from not having sex. And, yes, guys can and do live single without sex. But living celibate in a marriage because celibacy has been imposed on you is no excuse to accept that imposition.
Paul Byerly, the man I call the MacDaddy of Christian Marriage/Sex bloggers, wrote a couple of years ago:
We need to teach the truth about male sexuality as God designed it and married sex as God intended it to be. We need to stand up and say men have extremely strong drives (compared to the average woman) and it’s God’s doing. The horrible things that happen because of misusing the male sex drive are the result of sin, and sin never makes what God created bad or wrong. The male sex drive is God’s creation, and we need to learn how to use it as God intended. We need to teach everyone downplaying the drive is just as wrong as using it outside of God’s boundaries. Denying a man a healthy married sex life isn’t just doing him wrong; it is saying God is wrong.
Guys, he’s only right. Go read the rest of his post; you need to know that you are normal, that there is nothing wrong with you, and that your drive is good. Just a final note: thankfully, every one of the men I referred to, above, who asked about libido suppression? They received positive reinforcement from good Christian husbands and wives who helped them to understand that there was nothing wrong with them, and helped them with counsel on how to change their situations.
** (Only after reciting the Possum Lodge Motto: “Quando omni flunkus moritati” (Pseudo-Latin for “When all else fails, play dead”).