Hard Things To Hear, #5: It’s Not About You, Dude!

(This is the fifth of a seven-part series; here are the links to part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 6 and part 7.)

In John 6:60, some objected to what Jesus was saying: “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?”. While I’m not Jesus, there are some who will attest that I provoke the same reaction. Might be what I’m saying, but it’s possible it might be my manner. Be that as it may, I’m going to pull rank and lay some things on the line in the next few posts. I’m going to present some things that might be hard to hear, but trust me; forty-three years of marriage is coming at ya!

This week, we are going to get down and dirty; we are going to talk about where the rubber meets the, uh, uh …  (sorry ’bout that). Guys, just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you have to be one, got it? (Wife will ream me for that line.) Guys, now that the women have all fainted, let’s talk. There is a famous line that says that a woman needs romance for sex, whereas all a man needs is friction. So, guys, you need to realize that just because you can have sex with a greased knothole, that doesn’t mean your wife can get turned on at the drop of your drawers.

Read Up, Fella!

I realize that for many guys, the locker room is the only sex education they’ve ever gotten. Not a snowball’s chance in Hades that you picked up anything useful in the locker room. Listening to all those other guys trot out fictitious encounters isn’t going to prepare you for making love to a wife.

Did you see that last line? Read it again, and let it sink in. “Make love to a wife.” There is a boatload of difference between shagging a knothole and making love to your wife. Making love is not about you and your jollies! If you are a real man, you didn’t get married just to get your rocks off. If that’s your interest, do your wife a favor: tell her the truth and take a hike.

Your wife deserves a man who wants to make love to her, and is willing to learn and take the time to do so. And that doesn’t mean waving your magic penis about and expecting her to get thrilled. First off, just in case you haven’t done any reading, or learned anything about your wife’s sexual needs, let’s start with some basic facts.

• Fully 40% of women cannot orgasm from penile intercourse. Just can’t. So get over yourself.

• Multiply by a factor of 10 the time it takes you to orgasm, and you’ll be in the ballpark for about how long it will take your wife to orgasm. You can go from start to finish in two minutes? She’s not even out of the starting gate, guy. Not even close.

• Men – you think about sex and Mr. Happy salutes. Women think about sex, and it’s “Really?” The truth is that, for most women, desire for sex doesn’t happen until after they are aroused. We desire, and it’s instant arousal. Women, not so much. The upshot is that you are going to have to help your wife become aroused.

As I’ve said in my About Page, I’m writing from a Christian perspective, and I have no illusions about trying to address non-Christians. So, to any Christian husbands out there who might stumble upon this blog, I’ve got a Bible verse for you:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. (1 Cor. 7:3)

Get that? If you think it’s right and proper for your wife to jolly you, then by Billy Bedamned Hangtree, it’s right and proper for you to give your wife her jollies. And if you try to weasel out by saying, “It takes too long” or “It’s too hard”, then don’t expect her to give you a good time. Paul is mutual, here, guys; what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and goose or gander, you’d better be up for this task in marriage.

A Short Curriculum For the Clueless

I’m going to be charitable here. I’m going to assume that those of you who aren’t doing right by your wife are just clueless, that everything you know about sex you picked up in the locker room, like most of the guys who go through public schools (or Christian schools, for that matter.) I have some resources for you that you’d do well to read and heed. (I’m not called The Librarian, for nothing.) These websites, if you read and absorb and practice with your wife, will help you become the lover your wife deserves.

First, read the Wikipedia article on the Clitoris. (You don’t know how tempted I was to lead into this one with “Say Hello To My Little Friend”). Blow up the illustration on the right, and notice that the structure of the clitoris is actually quite a lot bigger than the pea-sized organ that can be seen.

Next, read Rubbing vs. Feeling to learn what to do with the clitoris. In fact, start reading everything this woman has written on her blog. Just click on the BLOG tab and start exploring. Your wife will thank you for it.

Third, for those of you who don’t get the vapors at the drop of a hat, you can learn the techniques for arousal at Give Her An Orgasm. Using QuickTime videos and a rubber/plastic model, it demonstrates techniques to use to help your wife. The site has an up-front warning that you need to understand:

The videos are free, do not include nudity, but do include the use of realistically shaped sex toys to demonstrate the techniques.

So if you get the vapors easily, don’t watch the videos. Everyone else, learn to help your wife become aroused.

Personal Experience

Forty-three years ago, when Wife and I entered into marriage, I had somehow picked up on the fact that sex was supposed to be enjoyable for both the husband and wife, and so was desirous that Wife enjoy love-making, too. We were married in July, and for two months, I would ask her if she had orgasmed, and she would tell me, “It was enjoyable; it felt good.”

After a couple of months, I wasn’t satisfied that I had brought her to an orgasm, and so one September afternoon, I took Wife to bed, not for sex, but for helping her explore her response to stimulation. After about 20-25 minutes of making out and manual stimulation, Wife experienced her first orgasm; a body-shuddering, toe-curling, moaning-and-gasping experience that left us no doubt. There were no “maybes”, no hesitant “felt goods”; she knew what orgasm was, now. We haven’t looked back.

Wife will tell you that in our love-making, her orgasm was paramount. “Ladies first”, as the old saying goes. Rick Warren starts off his book, The Purpose-Filled Life this way: “It’s not about you.” Men (that leaves out you boys!), the purpose-driven sexlife isn’t about you, either. It’s about the both of you. Now get out there and do it right. CSL


Filed under Marriage & Sexuality

8 responses to “Hard Things To Hear, #5: It’s Not About You, Dude!

  1. Pingback: Addressing The Sexless Marriage, part 6 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  2. Pingback: Hard Things To Hear #1 : It’s a Clean Thing | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  3. Pingback: Hard Things To Hear, #2: It’s a Clear Thing | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  4. Pingback: Hard Things To Hear, #3: It’s A Man Thing | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  5. Pingback: Hard Things To Hear, #4: It’s a Woman Thing | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  6. Pingback: Hard Things to Hear #6: Lady, It’s Not About You! | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  7. Pingback: Hard Things To Hear, #7: The End of the Matter | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  8. Pingback: Another Nothing Box? | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

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