So, New Year’s Eve, we had The Talk™, and as a result said talk, decided on our actions steps:
- me, prepare for the night and not the day.
- me, come to the bedroom with her while she goes to sleep.
- us, schedule, ‘ahem’…. intimacy.
So, after The Talk™, we put everything into motion. Usually we have some TV time at dinner, with our daughters, until about 8:30-9:00. I moved my shower/shave portion of my day to after we finish our TV time.
Wife decided that she would make the bedroom an inviting place, and so got one of those big Yankee scented candles and a CD player, and we came upstairs together. We talked, made out, listened to music. Basically, we spent time doing in bed every evening what we used to do on dates or walks: listening, sharing, connecting. It was like we were in our first year of marriage, again.
The scheduling of intimacy? We put it in place right away. The 3rd was the first Monday in January, and so we began our schedule on that date. And neither of us missed our responsibility. The upshot was that by the middle of February, we had had more sexual encounters than all of the previous year.
Don’t get me wrong, the sexual intimacy, the re-kindling of our sex life, was great, but the best that that happened was that we talked. Sex was only happening 2x a week. But we were going to bed together seven nights a week, putting on music, lighting a candle, and enjoying being with each other.
We talked about how we had come to believe the things that we did, that had created such skewed views of our life together. There were apologies, there were heaving petting sessions (now there’s an old term!), there were totally silly fits of laughter and giggling. And I shared what I had read or heard from the blogs, the Marriage Bed forum, and the podcasts that I was still accessing. And we talked politics, church, family; basically every night, we solved the problems of the world.
Two things happened in March that helped to accelerate our “revival”. First of all, I was starting to get cheesed off about having to go downstairs every night. You see, after two months, I had really come to love our times at the end of the day, and I came to resent having to leave Wife as she was drifting off to sleep, to have to come down to my recliner.
One day, in conversation, Wife made a comment about the possibility of cushions or wedges to make me comfortable in bed. That piqued my interest, so, I went to my old friend, the internet, and started to conduct Bing searches (don’t get me started on why I don’t use Google!) for possible solutions to my predicament. I briefly considered one of those Craftmatic beds, but told myself that I wasn’t that far gone, yet.
I did find a company that offered a system of bed wedges that was supposed to raise the upper body in a recliner position, and would allow the hip and knees to be bent and supported, as well. I ordered the wedge set, and we used them as soon as they arrived. After the first night, I realized we had a winner, and we would be able to restore a missing part of our marriage. Once again, I would be able to stay upstairs and sleep with my wife.
The second thing that happened was a simple statement by Wife. One night in mid-March, she decided to re-visit the Scheduling that we had. As we were talking, prior to sleep, she said simply, “We don’t need to schedule sex anymore. As far as I’m concerned, any time we’re in bed together, sex is on the table.” Um… WOW!.
So, ever since March of 2011, we do not schedule intimacy,
That Was 2011. Today?
We still go to bed together in the evening. We still have our time of nightly talking and/or make-out sessions. We still use the bed wedges that help me to sleep upstairs. Outside of our bedroom, we are one, again. There is more talking, sharing, laughing, playing. There are more quick kisses, caressing, hand-holding; we are quick to smile when the other enters the room, to say “I love you”, for no reason at all.
This is all due to The Talk™, and the decision to do something about intimacy. We shared, we dealt with impediments, and we acted on our resolve to change our miserable status quo.
Hmm? What’s that you say? What About the Original Question? Oh, yeah, the original question. Next time….
… to be continued.