The Why and How of My Now, part 3

(This is the third of a five-part series; here are the links to part 1, part 2, part 4 and part 5.)

So, there I was: old (61), retired, disabled, depressed. Who was I to think that I should still be able to enjoy intimacy with my wife, right? After all, that stuff is for the kids, randy little buggers that they are. I should have been telling myself, “CSL, you’re a Good Christian Husband™, and need to learn to suck it up and suffer for the Kingdom and Marriage, like GCHs™ have done down through the centuries.”

Yeah, well, I wasn’t dead yet, and I didn’t feel like being buried before my time. I told Wife that I felt we needed to talk, and so one night between Christmas and New Year’s, we went to our bedroom and talked. And talked. And talked.

Point 1 – Sex (hopefully all the GCWs™ won’t get the vapors over that word, but will summon up resolve and fortitude to read on). “Wife, we are in a sexless marriage, by clinical standards. And it’s killing me.” I went on to explain that I still wanted to have sex with my wife, and that her dislike of sex was a real problem.

She countered with: “I don’t hate sex. I miss sex, too. I’m just sorry that it’s too painful for you to come upstairs more than once a month.”

Uh… Er… Um…. Huh?

Well, right then and there, I’m gobsmacked. She doesn’t hate sex? Then why….?

Sex isn’t happening because I’m not coming upstairs. I’m not coming upstairs because I can’t sleep in bed. If she wanted sex, I would come upstairs, but she has shown no interest in it. And around we went.

I never did get to Point 2. In fact, four years later, I don’t remember what Point 2 was. But that night, Wife and I discussed Us. Where we were, what we missed, what we wanted, etc. That evening, during The Talk, we came up with several changes that we would put into place immediately.

1 – Instead of my habit of preparing for the day, I would prepare for the night. Shower, shave, etc., in the evening, not the morning. (Guys. take a hint – freshness counts!!!)

2 – I would come upstairs every evening, to spend time with Wife, in bed. Physical, conversational, etc. Kiss, make-out, talk about our day, what-have-you. When it was time to go to sleep, I would go downstairs to my chair. But importantly, we immediately started to have “Us Time.”

3 – Sex (“steady, Martha, steady; it’ll soon be over”) – using the “Schedule IT” idea of the DiLorenzos (One Extraordinary Marriage), we would schedule intimacy (“see, Martha?”) twice a week. On Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, I would initiate, and it fell to her to initiate on either Thursday, Friday or Saturday.

And that’s it. That was the upshot of The Talk.

Next time, what happened in 2011.



Filed under Marriage & Sexuality

6 responses to “The Why and How of My Now, part 3

  1. Pingback: The Why and How of My Now, part 4 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  2. Pingback: The Why and How of My Now, part 5 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  3. Pingback: Hard Things to Hear #6: Lady, It’s Not About You! | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  4. Pingback: Addressing The Sexless Marriage, part 2 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  5. Pingback: The Why and How of My Now, part 1 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

  6. Pingback: The Why and How of My Now, part 2 | The Curmudgeonly Librarian

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