So, there we were, in 2010. A Good Christian Couple (GCM™ and GCW™), not unhappy. But not happy, at all.
Due to arthritis, sleeping downstairs, in a recliner. Because of her responses to harmless banter, I “knew” that she didn’t really like sex, and basically put up with it. So I stuffed down my wants to just once a month, so as not to “inflict myself upon her any further” (a line from Cat Ballou – I speak fluent Cinema.) December of 2010, I didn’t even bother, so we officially arrived at Sexless Marriage status – less than once a month.
I was retired because of disability; I had accomplished my main goal in life, to provide my wife with a pension should anything happen to me; I “knew” that my wife didn’t like sex and really didn’t want to have sex with me. So as we approached autumn, 2010, I found myself asking God to take me home. After all, I told him, Wife doesn’t need me anymore, ….
Wife watched me becoming more and more limited due to pain, and for several years, slept alone in our bedroom, as I could no longer sleep in a bed. Night was lonely for her, sleeping single in a double bed. And she missed sex on a regular basis. Yes, I came upstairs once a month, but she “knew” that, in essence, her husband was in too much pain for sex.
She found that she had to do more to help me. I could no longer just hop up and get myself a soda and/or a sandwich. Shopping and errands became her sole responsibility, as I became more and more limited in my mobility. While she still loved me and cared for me, she assumed, “So this is it; I’ll be caring for an invalid for the rest of my life.”
“Do not awaken love until its time” ~ Song of Solomon 2:7.
Apparently it was time. Newly retired, with a new laptop and wireless network in our house, I could now surf the ‘net from my one comfortable chair. And depressed, discouraged me, being a librarian, I thought to search the ‘net for marriage information and help.
I included “Christian sex” in my boolean searches, and soon found such websites as The Generous Husband, The Generous Wife, The Marriage Bed, Intimacy in Marriage, Marriage Gems, Romantic Vineyard, One Flesh Marriage, The Intimate Couple. I found podcasts such as Mark Gungor, One Extraordinary Marriage, Sexy Marriage Radio. Reading these blogs and listening to Gungor, the DiLorenzos, and Allen and Parris, I started to wake up; a small spark flickered, and soon there was the beginnings of a small fire in the boiler.
Coming into the Christmas holidays, I was still depressed, but I had come to realize that Wife and I needed to have a serious, “State of the Marriage” talk. I knew that I wasn’t happy, that I missed intimacy with her, and that I felt we needed to find a solution. I had a solution in mind, a suggestion I had heard on one of the podcasts, and so prepared myself to have “The Talk” after Christmas.
We did talk. A day or two before New Year’s Eve, 2010.
to be continued…
(btw, I’ve pretty much given you a year’s worth of counseling in those links, so explore!!!)